Draco Malfoy: An Owner's Manual
by jctstorage
Summary: Based on the series by Theresa Green. Who wouldn't want to own their own spoiled rich wizard? Well, now that you do, please, read me first!


Author's Note/Disclaimer: I do not own Harry or anything related to him. Property of JKR! I also do not own the Owner's Manual series. Property of Theresa Green! (found here: www.fanfiction.net/~theresagreen ) This isn't nearly as funny as the originals, or even the others not written by Theresa, but I had to do it! Oh, and Theresa, anyone with a GANDALF manual in the works? I'm not volunteering, merely curious! ~*~

_Congratulations! _You are now the proud owner of a DRACO MALFOY! 

Please follow the guidelines in this manual carefully to ensure your DRACO gives you hours of ruthless entertainment. 

  
**INSTALLATION**

When you receive your DRACO, unwrap him from him Hogwarts robes. It is not necessary to remove any other garments _at this stage_. That can come later.

Your DRACO should arrive fully assembled and powered up, however there is a chance he will behave adversely upon first seeing his surroundings. His family is notoriously anti-Muggle and he will not enjoy being in the home of one. Show him your proof of purchase and he should settle down. Please check that you have all his accessories _(see below.) _

**TECHNICAL** **SPECIFICATIONS**

Name: _Draco__ Malfoy*_

Type: _Wizard _

Manufacturer: _Pureblood Specialties, Ltd. _

Weapon: _--_

Weapon Length: _--_

**ACCESSORIES**

(a) Hogwarts robes

(b) Wand

(c) CRABBE and GOYLE units

(d) Nimbus 2004 (We figure Lucius will have upgraded his broom by now.)

Note: Books and cauldron sold separately. Quidditch robes and accessories sold separately.

**OPERATING** **PROCEDURE**

Your DRACO is the epitome of Pureblood, evil badness. He shows it as he does virtually nothing useful due to a lifetime of being catered to. However, he has his talents:

Bodyguard: Technically, this isn't DRACO's talent. You can use CRABBE and GOYLE as your own bodyguards as well as his if you see fit. 

Organiser: DRACO's inborn tendencies towards leadership and manipulation make him the perfect tactical manager. He's scheme his way past anything.

Host: Draco's cold charm make him a great host for your parties. He'll regale guests with his wit and knowledge, as long as none of them are Muggles.

Personal Trainer:  DRACO likes a good workout, and we're sure that you can provide him with one, and vice versa. We are not liable for any health bills incurred from partaking in such activities with the DRACO model.

***CAUTION!*** Don't try to get DRACO to do any chores, lest you find yourself hexed into oblivion.

**COMPATIBILITY** **WITH** **OTHER** **MODELS**

DRACO is most compatible with Wizards and Witches, particularly Purebloods. He also interacts with the VOLDEMORT and DEATH EATER units. He can be exposed to WEASLEY, HERMIONE, or HARRY units, but check their settings first!

DRACO has three major settings: 

(a) Hostile

(b) Friendly

(c) Romantic/Slash*

*** NOTE *** DRACO's default setting with any WEASLEY, HERMIONE, or HARRY is Hostile. Before putting them near each other, check their settings! He can be placed in Friendly or even Romantic/Slash mode with these characters. He can be put in Hostile mode when encountering VOLDEMORT or a DEATH EATER, but proceed with caution.

*Due to the company's preference, the Romance/Slash setting cannot be adjusted and is set at a R rating. The DRACO unit was accidentally manufactured to be sixteen, while the other models are fourteen/fifteen. This creates a break in the chronology of the other models and is a quirk we are (not) trying to fix. However, it does provide for the higher setting.

**CLEANING**

Your DRACO model is perfectly capable of cleaning himself regularly and will probably do so without needing to be told, but feel free to assist him if you feel the need. 

**RECHARGING**

After long periods of use, your DRACO's energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your wizard: 

Food:  Most any normal food will do. 

Drink: Viper Vodka* is preferred.

Sleep:  Automatically sleeps at night. 

*Viper Vodka can be found at www.thebasiliskcafe.net 

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS/TROUBLESHOOTING**

**Q: **_Can I purchase a second DRACO?_

**A:**** One DRACO per household, as with all models in the Hogwarts World line. ******

**Q:**** _My DRACO never adapted to life with Muggles. He hexes any of my family who approach him and flies off for days at a time._**

**A:** Your DRACO is having trouble overriding the _Years of Ingrained Mudblood Hatred programming. Give him more time and attention and if that does work, return him to your nearest Hogwarts World retailer for an exchange. No refunds available._

**Q: _My DRACO has longer hair, is most certainly not sixteen, and has a snake-tipped cane!_**

**A: You've mistakenly been issued a LUCIUS MALFOY... And you're complaining, WHY? No refunds available, but you may be able to exchange if supplies are in stock. (WHY?)  **

**Q: **_My DRACO read Cassandra Claire and I can't get him to revert back to his former snobby, lazy- nevermind._

**A:** … 

**Q:**** _My DRACO was  set on Romance and exposed to a GINNY who was also exposed to a HARRY who was also set on Romance. Now DRACO and HARRY are cursing each other and it's destroyed my backyard. What can I do? I can't get near enough to change their modes._**

**A:**** Carelessness before exposing your unit to other models is not our fault and we will charge for repairs. We suggest asking GINNY to please select one suitor, hex the other so that he can be removed from your property, and then promptly change the settings in the short interval HARRY is stunned before he is removed to avoid another situation like that. DRACO will heal shortly and have GINNY suggest to him that a great date would be fixing your garden (using magic, of course.)**

**Q:**** _There is a problem with DRACO's slash rating being R and HARRY's only being PG-13._**

**A: **We don't see how, but then, we don't generally suggest DRACO/HARRY anyway. Any character in a grade higher than HARRY's will have an R rating, DRACO should find one of those, or a GINNY, who despite having a PG-13 rating, never has a problem. 

**Q: **_My DRACO is female??!_

**A: **You received a FLEUR. This is our mistake and you can exchange her at your nearest Hogwarts World retailer, barring there are DRACOs in stock.

**Q:**** _Within minutes after opening my DRACO, my yard was rushed with females._**

**A:****  This is often the case with the males of our Hogwarts World line. Your best bet is to tell them that someone the next town over has a Mk II VOLDEMORT (aka TOM RIDDLE.) If this doesn't work, let your DRACO hex them. The sedative-laced cookies, one per fan-girl, are also allowed but we find that using the product itself is much more effective. ONE cookie per fan-girl, we are not responsible for your legal fees should you not heed this warning. **

**Q:** _I bought DRACO myself but my little sister won't leave him alone! I don't want to share!_** __**

**A:** Have him hex her, of course. Or threaten to tell your parents about her secret HOBBITS collection. They've been wondering why the grocery bill is so high lately.

**AVAILABILITY:**

DRACO is available sold separately only. Neither DRACO nor HARRY are available as part of their Quidditch team sets, and DRACO does not come with the _Slytherin__ Superiors set (PANSY, MILDRED, and BLAISE; additional units may vary.)_

**GUARANTEE:**

Your DRACO does not come with a lifetime warranty because it is unknown whether he will serve the Dark Lord and be killed by HARRY, or be killed by the Dark Lord himself. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A/N 2: *hm* This one's also not as good as the others but then I'm beginning to think I'm just not good at this. Can you tell Draco's one of my favorite characters? ;-) I couldn't find Draco's wand anywhere either, so if anyone can fill me in, it would be much appreciated! Thank you. ^_^


End file.
